New Conservative Candidate Application Form

Okay, you gotta admit, this is pretty funny...

How to be a true blue Conservative
Published On Tue Apr 13 2010
By Vinay Menon - Humour Writer

Thank you for your interest in the Conservative Party of Canada.

We are always scouring this great land – especially west of Winnipeg – for future political stars. Are you shrewd? Do you have street smarts? Do you believe government should be small and surpluses should be big?

Are you ready to fight the blight of liberalism and Stand Up For Canada?

Recent situations have forced us to rethink our once invisible recruitment strategies. Psychological profiling, stress analysis, urine tests – we are considering all of this going forward.

For now, however, we ask that you take a few minutes to answer a few multiple-choice questions. These hypothetical situations, and your responses to them, will help us gauge your suitability.

Here now, our 2010 Screening Questionnaire For Aspiring Conservative Politicians:

1. You are about to breakup with a girlfriend who has ties to a biker gang. During a visit to her home, what do you bring?

a) Flowers and chocolate.
b) A goodbye card.
c) Sensitive documents related to a NATO meeting.

2. It is your birthday and you are rushing to catch a flight in Charlottetown. When asked by airport staff to remove your boots, what is your reaction?

a) You comply.
b) You say, “Thank you for doing your job!”
c) You berate staff, swear and refer to the entire city as a hellhole.

3. You are on a conference call with public health officials during a listeriosis outbreak that has caused multiple fatalities. Do you:

a) Ask for the latest information.
b) Outline an emergency plan to deal with the crisis.
c) Start making inappropriate jokes such as, “This is like a death by a thousand cuts. Or should I say cold cuts.”

4. The shutdown of a Canadian nuclear reactor has caused an international shortage of medical isotopes needed for cancer testing. In one word, please describe the situation:

a) Grave.
b) Horrifying.
c) Sexy.

5. While giving tourism money to a gay rights organization, you find yourself in a photo-op with drag queens. Do you:

a) Ask not to be photographed.
b) Discreetly tell organizers this may alienate supporters who are socially conservative.
c) Smile for the picture without giving it a second thought.

6. A Canadian city has not met the technical criteria while submitting an application for federal stimulus money. Do you:

a) Calmly reject the application.
b) Work with municipal leaders to develop a compromise solution.
c) Tell the city to, “F--- OFF!”

7. When is it appropriate to raise taxes?

a) Never – Canada is already beset with high taxes.
b) Never – raising taxes will hurt families and businesses.
c) Not sure.

8. Using three words, please finish the following sentence. “A woman’s place is ________:”

a) in the kitchen.
b) in the bedroom.
c) wherever she wants.

9. You’re no longer with the party, but your spouse is. You’re leaving a dinner with shady business associates. You are also drunk and in possession of cocaine. Do you:

a) Call a cab.
b) Call a friend.
c) Drive and exceed the posted speed limit.

10. (Removed after reconsideration... not quite in keeping with the content of my blog. Click the link above if you really want to read this one...)

Now please review your responses. If you answered “c” to any question, we must ask that you cease from contacting us again. Seriously, we will contact the RCMP.

Once again, thank you for your interest in the Conservative Party of Canada.

vmenon@thestar.ca or twitter.com/vinaymenon