"Dion inspires others to acts of boneheadedness"

LOL! The following is from today's Toronto Star...

Dion inspires others to acts of boneheadedness
Apr 16, 2007 02:30 AM
Linwood Barclay

While originally viewed as the most boneheaded, breathtakingly dopey and mind-numbingly idiotic political stunt of the last half-century, Stéphane Dion's decision not to run a Liberal candidate in a Nova Scotia riding so as to give the leader of the Green Party a better chance is now being hailed as inspirational by business and industry leaders.

Some of the things that have happened in the last few days, all of which can be traced back to Dion's actions, are nothing short of astonishing.

But first, the background.

The Liberal leader cut a deal with Elizabeth May. He won't run anyone in Conservative incumbent Peter MacKay's riding of Central Nova, thereby, the theory goes, giving the environmentalist a better shot at toppling the foreign affairs minister.

In return, the Green party won't run a candidate in Dion's riding. Is there a union in the country that does not want Dion's insights when negotiating its next contract?

(Another part of the arrangement, not widely reported, involves May swapping her 1976 Pinto for Dion's new Toyota Prius. Although the Pinto is not fitted with modern emissions controls, it is not expected to pollute, given that it has no engine.)

Dion's selfless act is credited with the following developments:

- Discount retailer Costco has decided to close its operation in Ontario, so as to let Hank's Dry Goods of Omemee crush the province's Wal-Marts.

"Hank runs a decent, solid operation," said a Costco spokesperson, "and we think he can give Wal-Mart a run for their money, just as soon as he broadens his product line to include things other than turpentine and horseshoe nails. He won't be open Tuesday, however, because he's getting fitted for new dentures."


- Toyota is pulling out of the province of Manitoba to give Kia a chance at toppling Honda.

"The Kia cars are just so cute and adorable," said a Toyota official, "and sometimes you just want to pick them up and hug them and squeeze them all over. But instead of doing that, we thought we'd remove ourselves from the market. We were going to do it for Yugo, too, but we understand they aren't making cars any more."


- Global TV says it is going to block out its own programming in several markets, including Vancouver, Toronto, and Halifax, to give CPAC, the parliamentary channel, the nudge it needs to topple CTV.

"The way we figure it," said a Global official, "when it's Tuesday evening at 8, and there's nothing to watch on Global, our regular viewers will want to check out what's happening in our nation's capital, which means CTV's presentation at that time of American Idol is toast. Goodbye Sanjaya, hello standing committee on transport, infrastructure and communities."


- Tim Hortons, conceding that it has a respectable share of the double-double market, is closing its outlets in Mississauga to allow Biff's Catering Wagon ("Where the Elite Meet to Eat") to put a dent in Starbucks' business. Instead of hitting just construction sites all day, Biff plans to do slow trolls through such places as Port Credit, drawing customers out of trendy coffee shops. He's also pledging to fix the hinges on the truck's "awning" so there are no more unfortunate broken-neck mishaps.


- Finally, the National Post is pulling its freebie copies out of car repair shops so that Muffler Monthly can stick it to the Post's arch enemy, the Globe and Mail.

Said a Post source, "We share a common philosophy with Muffler Monthly – we both believe in spewing daily, but responsibly – but feel our dominance in the market, or waiting room, if you will, may have overshadowed them. So this is Muffler Monthly's chance to take the piss out of the Globe."


So, Stéphane, take a bow. Your actions have inspired others in ways you could not have imagined.